It happened. Of course it happened. I blame myself. I let myself get much too excited this weekend. I painted that damn yellow bookshelf. I really believed we were almost there. How. Naive. Remember last week? Remember when I didn’t have this massive hole in my heart with the unique property of being completely empty and yet also filled with tears?
I miss last week.
So. We had an agency conference call last night. I knew this call was coming and even though I was assured the topic of discussion was positive, I had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach all weekend that I wasn’t going to like it. There had been some speculation last week about the reason for the call but there was only one piece of news that I was afraid of, only one thing I didn’t want to hear. And this was it. Exactly it. I can use what’s left of my rational brain to admit that, for many families in our agency, the news we received tonight was positive. I’m sure that there were many families who, when they heard the news, cried “Hooray!” unlike me who screamed out, “No!”
Anger, frustration, nausea – that’s all I felt when I found out that we now have 4-6 extra weeks to wait before traveling to see our babies. Coming off a month long delay, this was extremely hard news to handle. The changes in procedure that are being implemented will, in fairness, simplify the travel process a great deal but they will also steal another month from me and my children.
Immediately after the conference call, I had to leave to pick up [L] from the airport. Thank God that he was finally back from Boston! I fumed all the way there, stuffed his bag in the trunk, and fussed all the way home. As usual his annoyingly level head tried to talk me down off my livid-ledge, but nothing could quell my white-hot anger over this new delay! Nothing could derail the anger train I was riding! Nothing!
When we got home I found that I had missed a call from our agency coordinator. I immediately called her back. Do you have one of those new phones with “punch in the gut technology?” It’s the latest cellular advance and it actually allows words transmitted over the telephone to physically reach out and knock you on your ass. Apparently someone installed one in our living room while I was gone. Whoever you are, please take it back. I do not want it. Also, what horrible thing did I ever do to you?
Because, apparently, one more one month delay isn’t enough. Apparently there is another problem with our “corrected” paperwork. And, apparently, this problem can’t be fixed until the end of June. So, apparently, this problem will delay our travel by yet another month.
If someone says October to me right now, I’ll puke.
I really have no words to express the emptiness I feel right now. Hope, Bible verse, mis-attributed Mother Theresa quote? I got nothing. I typed out the rest of this post pretty quickly. I got to this part about how I’m feeling now and I just got nothing. Nothing. Because that’s exactly how I feel. Empty. Defeated. Broken. Hollow.
The only ray of light I see, the only thing that hasn’t changed for me is that [A] and [G] are worth this wait. I know that. I believe that. I will continue to believe that. And I will hold onto that until I can hold onto them. Please, God, hold onto me!