It’s official. We are no longer adopting a “just turned 3″ year old. Up until about 2 weeks ago that’s still how I was answering the “how old is he?” question. That was just the standard answer that I had been spitting out since we started this process. Then it suddenly hit me that, although that was true in January, it is nowhere near true now. As of today, [A] is 3 1/2. So, starting tomorrow, we are adopting an “almost 4″ year old. Wow.

Let me first say that I am still thrilled to be adopting [A]! There is no part of me that wants him less now that he is on the downward side of 3. Bring on the 4 year old! I have personal real world nephew experience which proves that “almost 4″ is a totally awesome age. But that realization has been a bit of a blow to me. I just suddenly feel like I’ve missed so much. And, that’s because, well, I have. I have missed 3 1/2 years of his life. And every day that goes by is another one we’ll never get back together. That is eating me up.

The problem is most definitely not how old he is. His age is completely inconsequential to me. I just care that time is slipping away and he’s still not home. I have no idea what he did today. I have no idea what he did yesterday. I have no idea if, on his half-birthday, anyone hugged him or kissed him or held him close. Is his knee scraped? Does his tummy hurt? What does his laugh sound like? I can’t answer these questions. In my heart I’m his  mother. On paper I’m his mother. But, in reality, I can’t answer these questions. Because I’m not there. He’s not here. That is killing me. That is completely breaking my heart.

I know to get through this I need to reset my expectations. If I’m still hanging on to the idea that [A] has just turned 3, then I can only be disappointed because that’s not true. If I continue to tell myself we were supposed to be traveling in June, then I’ll only be upset because, obviously, that is not going to happen. I have to remind myself that the day they come home will be the perfect time. Because it will actually be happening. At this point, that is all that matters to me. It’s ironic really because I am simultaneously wishing away the days, weeks, and months because I want it to finally be time to travel to meet my babies as well as praying that time would somehow stand still so I don’t miss any more of their sweet little lives. There’s literally no way to win both scenarios. All I can do right now is pray for patience and focus on that wonderful day when we’re all finally together as a family. We will make up for lost time then! And I can also wish my sweet boy a happy half-birthday! So happy half-birthday to [A]! And happy we’re-one-day-closer to me!